I think about the boy of my dreams,
and how he probably doesn’t think about me.

“if only i was closer” I keep telling myself

I drown myself with Boards of Canada on repeat.
I think about how much he means to me.

I feel like our relationship is an open wound,
continuously hurting one another.
I wish I could erase my past and start over.

I want to explain, but it is too late.

As  t i m e  stood

still

its been 48 hours and 98 degrees
standing at the top of avenue B.

waiting for your messages,
approval, or even a hello.

I’m lucky if I get a response once a week.
or even if Im addressed at all.

when I see you alone,
you make me feel special.
sometimes you say the most profound things.
your wanderlous gaze and thrive for adventure
is something I appreciate deeply.

when I see you with friends
I withdraw and feel unimportant
which leaves me with, “Why am I here?”

for someone who cares,
who can’t be in a relationship,
I’m sitting, waiting, and catering to someone
who does

nothing

for me.

today will be the last day.

You Lied To Me

Crying in the palm of my hands on the knickerbocker platform
I’m hiding behind the mozaic wall from the angry eyes glaring at me
because I can’t bare to make eye contact with Wilson on the train.

I’m embarrassed, I want to deny everything that happened
The whole way home Wilson expresses on a full train of people-
why did you get with that??
Did you really think things would work out with you too?
Did you think he actually cares for you??
resting my body on my arm clutched to the pole with tears
streaming down my face.

I guess not.
You are right, even though you were the one that told me to trust him in the first place.
4 years of friendship
gone.
I look up 5 feet away from me, after wiping my eyes, I noticed it was you.
Not even seconds later of being yelled at on the M train.
Saucy Seize.
Slicked back hair, new shoes, and a bag, as if he was going somewhere.

I come up to say hi, I stand three feet away from you.

You are drunk.

I can’t even process that you are right infront of me at 10 oclock at night on the same platform as I am.
you leave in less then 24 hours for a bus,
Im not sure the next time I will see you.
you make silly gestures to try and cheer me up.
I grow cold.
Where are you going?
I’m upset with you.

Being in a vulnerable spot, I stop, I try my best to express how I feel.
Shaking my head with my head hung low, I’ve been played.

I’m going to travel before I burn thru this money, he says.
We start to walk and I continuously grow more uncomfortable
I don’t know what to say or feel.
I go numb.

I can’t even find a way to put it in words to say goodbye to you when I don’t know the next time I will see you.
You hangout a few blocks from my house, not even a hello, or goodbye that night.
We hugged and split up on Dekalb street.

He refused to kiss me that night.

“Nah you’re cool, I like you, but it can’t go past that.
I live a crazy life style and what you’re looking for
I can’t give you.”

“I respect that, thankyou.” I say
and then he left later that day.