I think about the boy of my dreams,
and how he probably doesn’t think about me.

“if only i was closer” I keep telling myself

I drown myself with Boards of Canada on repeat.
I think about how much he means to me.

I feel like our relationship is an open wound,
continuously hurting one another.
I wish I could erase my past and start over.

I want to explain, but it is too late.


As  t i m e  stood


its been 48 hours and 98 degrees
standing at the top of avenue B.

waiting for your messages,
approval, or even a hello.

I’m lucky if I get a response once a week.
or even if Im addressed at all.

when I see you alone,
you make me feel special.
sometimes you say the most profound things.
your wanderlous gaze and thrive for adventure
is something I appreciate deeply.

when I see you with friends
I withdraw and feel unimportant
which leaves me with, “Why am I here?”

for someone who cares,
who can’t be in a relationship,
I’m sitting, waiting, and catering to someone
who does


for me.

today will be the last day.

You Lied To Me

Crying in the palm of my hands on the knickerbocker platform
I’m hiding behind the mozaic wall from the angry eyes glaring at me
because I can’t bare to make eye contact with Wilson on the train.

I’m embarrassed, I want to deny everything that happened
The whole way home Wilson expresses on a full train of people-
why did you get with that??
Did you really think things would work out with you too?
Did you think he actually cares for you??
resting my body on my arm clutched to the pole with tears
streaming down my face.

I guess not.
You are right, even though you were the one that told me to trust him in the first place.
4 years of friendship
I look up 5 feet away from me, after wiping my eyes, I noticed it was you.
Not even seconds later of being yelled at on the M train.
Saucy Seize.
Slicked back hair, new shoes, and a bag, as if he was going somewhere.

I come up to say hi, I stand three feet away from you.

You are drunk.

I can’t even process that you are right infront of me at 10 oclock at night on the same platform as I am.
you leave in less then 24 hours for a bus,
Im not sure the next time I will see you.
you make silly gestures to try and cheer me up.
I grow cold.
Where are you going?
I’m upset with you.

Being in a vulnerable spot, I stop, I try my best to express how I feel.
Shaking my head with my head hung low, I’ve been played.

I’m going to travel before I burn thru this money, he says.
We start to walk and I continuously grow more uncomfortable
I don’t know what to say or feel.
I go numb.

I can’t even find a way to put it in words to say goodbye to you when I don’t know the next time I will see you.
You hangout a few blocks from my house, not even a hello, or goodbye that night.
We hugged and split up on Dekalb street.

He refused to kiss me that night.

“Nah you’re cool, I like you, but it can’t go past that.
I live a crazy life style and what you’re looking for
I can’t give you.”

“I respect that, thankyou.” I say
and then he left later that day.

Patience I tell myself, as I inhale deeply
sitting on the robins egg blue seat on the train
Stand clear of the closing doors the train says
as I take a moment and notice I’m on the wrong train
My heart sinks the shock stops
See you next year, I sent a text
Knowing I might not be here again
It’s hard when you care about
someone and can’t hear from them again

I hear a drum roll through my mind
while riding the wrong train,
I can’t help but to think of your musicality
how you are trained to hit every beat.
I know you’ll atleast enjoy LA for a bit.

I’m kinda busy, running around and shit”

3 states, in one week, and then you are gone.
how could you leave me?
gliding up to the atmosphere and into the clouds.
“He’s not that into you”
a jealous girl says.
his flight leaves tomorrow.

“Hold up, why are you acting like this? Its not that serious”

It was just yesterday you grabbed me and kissed me,
telling me I’ll be okay..
“Obviously he likes you, if he keeps coming over..”
his friends say.
It was the Fourth of July, you held me close that day.
looking into each other eyes,
I like when you come over and suprise me,

“I have to ask you something” he says,

I was never asked that day.

my friend came to visit and like a waltz
continuously ruined each of my days.
I just want to be dancing with

I wake up today asking “Can I see you??”
Its been a week, and I miss you.
your flight leaves tomorrow.
I look up at my computer screen, and then into my hands.
You say you hope you’ll be gone for the year.

I wish I could go into reverse and start all over.

how could you use me.